Those who know me are aware that my wife, Becky, has a terminal illness and that we have been on a difficult journey for the last two years. We know how it will end, just not when.
My focus is on Becky. My photography and writing go on in the background: time and emotional energy permitting. Becky and I are soul mates; this is as it should be.
As the care giver, I have a responsibility to look after Becky and myself. I must remain healthy, physically and emotionally.
Emotion and Creativity
My life mirrors the opening few lines of A Tale of Two Cities;
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us,“
Photography and writing have become more than my personal passions, they are now critical emotional outlets. I have done some of my best work during the last year; initiated, no doubt, by my heightened emotions. The intellect can only do so much. It is emotion that adds spirit to a photograph, a paragraph, a life.
I believe that to be the best possible partner with Becky, I need to develop a better emotional understanding of what I am experiencing and how I am reacting to it. This can result in my living more fully and becoming a more compassionate caring man.
To do that, I am exploring new ways of looking at myself and my situation.
Carol is a good friend of ours. She is a multifaceted woman who is a sandplay therapist. Recently, I had a session with Carol that provided insights into the emotions I am experiencing and how I can adapt them in the most positive ways.
Sandplay
As I understand and experienced it, sandplay provides an opportunity to create a scene in a table sized tray filled with sand using small figures and objects. The figures and objects are freely selected from hundreds that are available. In some ways it reminds me of my childhood and playing with toys in the dirt.
In preparation for the exercise, Carol and I spent about 30 minutes talking about my life. She skillfully asked me questions that helped me let go of distractions and focus on core emotions and questions that I had.
I started the sandplay by picking out the things that I wanted in the scene. I didn’t have a preconceived image in my mind. I looked over the rows of objects and waited for one to catch my attention. At first I was in a hurry, but nothing interested me. It was only after I relaxed that I could see each of objects for itself and then select one that was more interesting than the rest. In this way, one by one, I picked a laughing Buddha, four trees, a tramp, a mirror, a large shark, a small child hiding his face (or sleeping in a kneeling position), and an old fashion camera. With these I created my scene.
Eventually, I sensed that I was done adding pieces. I had positioned them as I selected them and the arrangement needed only a little tweaking before I knew I was finished.
As I looked at what I had assembled, Carol asked a series of questions about each of the items and their relationships with each other. It was during these questions and answers that the intent of my subconscious became clear. Memories and feelings came rushing up out of the past. Events that I hadn’t thought about for decades materialized and how they related to me now became apparent.
I believe that we live in a sea of past, present, and future where all things are intricately intertwined; experiences, emotions, thoughts, real and imagined. In the rush of life, it is natural to lose sight of these forces that are working below the surface of my daylight mind. I forget that I can access another rich part of myself and take nourishment and strength from it.
My sandplay session with Carol left me physically exhausted but emotionally refreshed. My subconscious, bubbling with emotional knowledge, had been given the opportunity to communicate directly with my conscious.
Turmoil and Creativity
Creativity is both an intellectual skill and an emotional force, the result of the dynamics of conflicting ideas and feelings. It is why the artist is always looking for a better way to express her inner vision. It is an evolutionary struggle that is sometimes portrayed as revolutionary.
It is the emotional content of my life that fuels my creative work.
In return, my photographs, writing, and cartoons give me satisfaction. The process of making concrete my thoughts and feelings permits me to look at them in a new light and to learn from them again. By creating something tangible I experience completion. By sharing my effort, I have a small sense of contribution, of giving a little something back to world.
In this way I am renewed and then able to be a better partner to Becky and, perhaps, a little better human being.